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Humans

A manual for the cat with a household to run

To help the Humans better understand their place in our house, there are a few rules we can follow to improve our environment. Though we run things in the Kingdom here, we are not without need. Until we learn how to use the can opener, we must rely on our peasant Human occupants to serve us.

1.   BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom, It is not necessary to do anything just sit and stare. If, by some miracle, the Human beats you there and manages to get the door shut, it may become Necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. Feline attendance is required.

2.   CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up (or hark up a hairball), get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage a chair in time, get to an oriental rug. Make sure you backup so it is as long as is possible

3.   Hampering the rules: When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook, you cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

Sniper cat

4.   For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book.

5.    For paperwork, lie on the paper in the most appropriate manner so as to obstruct as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze but every so often swipe the pencil.

6.    When a human is holding the newspaper in front of them, be sure to jump on the back of the paper, humans love the jumping

7.    When the human is working at the computer, jump on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the curser on the screen and attack the mouse.

8.    WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on the stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This improves coordination.

painting cat

9.    BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so they cannot get to a food source without your knowledge.

10.   LITTER TRAY: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans LOVE the feel of kitty litter between their toes!!

11.    HIDING: Every now and then hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for 3 or 4 hours. This will cause the humans to panic, thinking that you have run away or are lost, once you come out you will be showered with food, hugs and kisses.

12.   Placing a paw print and a few hairs in the middle of a plate of food stakes a claim to the food, and then it becomes yours. Humans find this aesthetically pleasing to the highest degree as it gives them more of an opportunity to serve us.

13.   The stairway (designed by NASCAR) is like a racetrack. Beating the Human to the bottom is the object. Tripping the Human doesn't help because they fall faster than you can run. And, you don't want to have to hide for an hour or so until they cool off and see to their injuries. Its best to race without tripping so you can gloat at the bottom.

14.   The proper order is to lick butt , then kiss Human. I cannot stress this enough!

ONE LAST THOUGHT whenever possible get close to a human, especially their face, turn around and present your fury butt to them, humans love this so do it often, and don't forget guests.

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